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February 25th, 2018
Rumors Abound Regarding Donald Trump’s DNA Information
By Dale Roethlisberger

We keep being asked to write about information we have received regarding genetic-testing data about President Donald’s Trump’s DNA. We are inundated with anonymous sources relating to objects used by Donald Trump and then recovered and submitted to “” or “” with wild and crazy results being reported. Of course, Donald Trump could clear up this whole issue by having the tests done by both companies and then releasing the records to the public. But alas, our President does not seem to do well with revealing much documentation about himself. So, we are left with only rumors about the contents of these reports.

For example, we heard one story that ‘’ reported a supposed Trump artifact’s DNA test results showed: 46% Mongolian Cossack (this could explain his Russian affinity or maybe it’s a Red herring); 37% gypsy Romani (we believe this to be a slur about liars, thieves, and scoundrels); 22% sub-Saharan African (oops, this could be racially embarrassing); and 18% Polish (another ham-handed slur about using what little intelligence capability exists for a specific person). We did some research and have concluded this report is bogus. First of all, the percentages add up to more than 100% , and the only DNA category that actually may be in use by ‘’ is sub-Saharan African. You decide.

An example of the stories we hear about ’’ involves the silver and gold hotel pieces of the Donald’s childhood Monopoly set which he used to suck on as he was being weaned from thumb-sucking. We think it hard to believe that someone with access to Trump’s personal collection of memorabilia even knew about this ‘Rosebud’ object, but this is the supposed object tested by ’’. Reported DNA results are as follows: 44% Nazi German; 34% un-localized Lunatic Fringe; 23% huge Asshole; 22% Uncaring Greedy Oligarch; and 5% Repulsive Reptilian. We are astounded that anyone would not see this suffers from the same greater than 100% percentages total, and none of the categories were confirmed by ’’.

We have done this analysis to show how Fake News can generate wild and crazy results. We hope that President Donald Trump takes official DNA tests and releases the actual reports. He owes it to himself and his ever-dwindling supporters to have, at least, some truth.